I grew up as an only child until I was 13. When my parents divorced and subsequently remarried, I gained a half-sister, a step-brother, and two step-sisters. My step-sisters were already grown and moved out of the house before I got to really be a sibling to know them on a sibling basis. When I was 13, I lived with my step-brother for two and a half years. We were only 2 years apart in age. We had some quarrels here and there and a few wrestling matches that turned into brawls, but for the most part, we got along pretty well. Later on in life, I even rented a home with him and we were good friends. My half-sister was born when I was 15 years old. So, I got to be more of a fun uncle to her. We never fought over things normal siblings would fight over. Also, we only lived in the same home for one summer when she was a baby and a short season when she was four. The age difference made it easy for us to be siblings without the messy arguments or quarrels. So, based on my upbringing, I don't understand my children and their tendency to constantly fight with each other. Actually, it's almost always my oldest and my youngest. My middle child is pretty easy going and it takes a lot to get him mad (like his Daddy) but he does fight with his brothers from time to time. Yesterday, Joi and I reached our boiling point. Today, my wife is imposing a discipline that we decided on yesterday where they have lost the privilege to have brothers. The fighting got to be too much and we decided to put our foot down. Today, they don't get to speak to each other, play with each other, or interact in any way, shape, or form....until I get home from work. We're hoping that this forced absence will help them appreciate each other and the special gift that they have in one another. When I was growing up I would have loved to have a brother to play with. I grew up on a street with all girls. While I appreciate the times I played with my neighbor (and we are still friends today...almost 34 years later), there were times when she was not home or I would have loved a brother to wrestle with. I remember asking my Mom to give me a sibling. She said that it wasn't likely. In retrospect, I can see why. But, there were some lonely times growing up as an only child. I want my boys to be friends....best friends. I want them to love, respect, and appreciate one another. The way they are fighting and bickering, I'm not sure they will end up being friends with each other. My wife and I are hoping that a little absence will make the heart grow fonder.
Any other ideas on how to put an end to arguing?
3 comments:
Have faith Chris. Leslie and I fought all the time until we got older then we were good friends. Todd has two older brothers and they fought all the time (I am talking emergency room visits) they are now good friends. It is just what siblings do. My girls fight alot too but mostly they play together pretty well. Someday they will be good friends (I do have to tell them that it will happen because somedays they wish they were an only child (I did too)). They are just being kids/brother/sisters it is normal and it'll be worse at times and better at times but in the end it will work out. By the way the other girls didn't count as far as I am concerned you were the only one to play with and it is probebly the reason I have so few girlfriends and so many "boy" friends (giggle).
Fighting is a normal part of growing up. I fought off and on with my sisters until the year I left. It's teaching the boys to fight in a proper way that will help them to learn conflict resolution. When it gets to be so bad you can't stand it then seperate them, but maybe sitting down with them in the middle sized battles and asking each party to explain their issues without the other interrupting will help them to learn how to deal with disagreements and come to compromises.
Sorry about the lack of a proper sibling. Things happen and we don't know why, but we learn to adjust.
I agree with Jan that the right approach is to teach them verbal skills for conflict resolution. The "time out" that Joi is giving them is also a really good idea. It never hurts to know why having a brother is a good idea. One other thing to try-- give them lots of positive attention when they are good to each other, and be matter of fact and quick to separate when they fight--and then ignore them.
When my girls were tiny, I would throw away or give away anything-- and I mean anything-- they fought over. It worked, but it was pretty draconian. In retrospect, it would have been better to teach them to negotiate. At the time, I just couldn't stand to have my adult home have the same constant bickering that there was in my childhood home. I remember climbing to the roof in my plum tree to avoid the yelling in the house below *a lot.*
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