Losing Worship

I have a long and interesting history with worship. I grew up with both my parents and two Grandmothers in the Catholic Church Choir. I spent many Sunday's and Christmas Eve Midnight Masses falling asleep to the relaxing drones of Catholic Hymns. I was always nearby...in the choir loft or on the side of the altar where the choir was moved when they wanted to "make a good show". In fact, one time I fell out of my chair while playing around and accidentally unplugged the organ in the middle of a triumphant hymn when Bishop (now Cardinal) Mahoney was giving a mass in our church. Whoops. Years later, I became a Christian. I had just learned to play guitar and was one of the only people in the youth group who knew how to play...so I became the token worship leader. I played for the children at Summer Camp. I played during youth meetings. Eventually, I joined the worship team and played on Sundays. I co-founded a Christian rock group that did many worship-type songs. I enjoyed worship. I was at home worshiping with a guitar in my hand. During those years, I had many deep and meaningful worship experiences. At church, in a parking lot, on a mountain top, in a small villiage in Mexico, in a park, in the dark at someone's home while 20 youth sang their hearts out to God. These were incredible times. Eventually, I moved to Torrance and went to a church called "Sanctuary: The Rock and Roll Refuge". This church was started to help the long-hairs and heavy metal fans who became Christians at Stryper concerts find a home. The worship band was made up of prominent members of huge Christian heavy metal, thrash, and punk groups. The worship was insane. I remember being in my seat moved to tears at the outpouring of worship in my soul. I remember being drawn to my knees during those times. Hands raised. Tears flowing. I continued to lead worship whenever I could. I remember leading worship at Christian camps. While camping with friends. At home during a bible study. At home...alone. Amazing. Powerful. Heartfelt.


Somewhere I started to lose this spirit of worship. I'm not sure where. Perhaps it was the little things. I lead worship at my brothers church and for the life of me I couldn't get the members to participate. I couldn't get us all to a deep level of worship. I could barely get people to sing. And then there was the criticism. Perhaps if you revamped some old hymns. Perhaps if you didn't do that particular song. The people here are intellectuals. Maybe if you sang in Tolken's Elvish language or Olde English, people would get more into it. I started to loose heart. I left that lead worship position to move back to the Inland Valley and marry my beautiful wife. I started attending another church nearby. Before long, I was back in a worship band. This experience was again...frustrating. I was chubby at the time and had a beard...so I must have a tenor voice like the star worship singer who was also chubby and had a beard. Nope. I couldn't hit those high notes and no matter how many times I told the worship leader that I was not a tenor, he couldn't get it through his skull. I took another step down the latter. My hands remained in my pockets, rather than raised in the air. I stood or sat...rather than dropping to my knees. When this church opened a more intimate coffee bar church in a side wing to help with the crowd problems, I was tagged to lead worship. I did it and had some fine moments, but my spirit wasn't in it. It got to the point where when friends or family asked if I would lead worship during camping or at an event, I dreaded it. I found any and every excuse to avoid bringing my guitar. I acted like a baby...because suddenly the same man who was once compared to David by someone because of his spirit for worship....suddenly wanted to avoid worship like the plague.

I tried desperately to bring myself back to the worship from my yesteryear where I was alone with God...immersed in adoration and praise. But, I couldn't. Recently, I even tried to audition for the worship team at church and the experience was not enjoyable in the least and was quite painful. I didn't make it on the team and I took yet another step down the latter. Another nail in my worship coffin. Maybe the last nail. Now, I sing the words without feeling. I can't raise my hands. There is no emotion left in my worship experience. Don't get me wrong. I love God deeply. I have great daily quiet times and deep prayer where I really feel God's presence. But, I just can't worship with music anymore. I don't know why.

When I lead worship for my brothers church, he had me do a study on what worship is. When I did some deeper study, I found that worship is not just music, songs, words, and a good rock show. Worship was a lifestyle that incorporated giving yourself to Jesus. Prayer could be worship. Serving could be worship. Washing dishes could be worship. Whatever you did for God's glory could be a form of worship. But, when you added music to the equation....my heart died (or was killed...I'm not sure which). For whatever reason, I have lost my spirit of worship through music. I still have flutterings. When I hear a really good song that stirs my soul, I feel the flutter. When I see a 2 year old dance at church to a worship song, my heart flutters. When I see my wife raise her hands without pretense in a utter state of worship, I feel the flutter. "All of Creation" by MercyMe stirs something deep down within me. I don't know why. It just does. Hearing some of the old songs from The Sanctuary does the same. Hearing songs that I worshiped to when I was a youth at Covina First Baptist still stirs that place deep in my soul. But, I still feel dead. These flutterings feel like a electric shock to a heart that has already stopped beating and remains flat-lined.

Part of me wonders, is this what happens to a person who has been a Christian for 20+ years? Is this part of the Christian life-cycle? The same cycle that causes the rush and excitement of newness to calm down into a steady, reasonable, and less exciting faith years later? Who knows? I just know that worship is difficult for me now. I don't know how to fix it. Like a typical man, I am looking for a formula. A set of steps to follow to fix it. But, as a follower of God, I know that no such formula exists. Celtic Christians used to call God (the Holy Spirit) the "wild goose" because it was wild and can not be tamed. I understand that concept. The "wild goose" makes it so that there is no easy fix. No self-help book. No 10 steps to recovery. I want to go back to my Christian youth. I want to regain that intimate and powerful worship. The kind where everything else slips away. Where it is just me and God. Where I walk away glowing like Moses did on Mount Sinai. I just don't know how to get there.

My Live-In Chef

My wife's father is in town for a visit. He is helping Joi through a difficult time. While we LOVE visitors, we have a small house, so guests can be...challenging and sometimes stressful for us and for them. However, George has been a wonderful guest. He has spent a lot of time playing and interacting with the boys. He has been a great help to Joi around the house and being a support for her. But, the best part is....he is an early riser. He gets up at 4am or earlier, has some coffee, and then gets busy making breakfast. One morning when I woke up and went down stairs for my usual bowl of cereal, I found homemade french toast and eggs waiting for me. The french toast was made from that special cinnamon swirl bread and raisin bread with brown sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. It was scrumptious! This morning he made me "Four Men on a Raft" (eggs over easy over toasted bread). This beats the crap out of my usual bowl of cereal. It's been nice. I won't be losing any weight this week, but what a treat it has been. I like having a live-in chef. When I get rich, I'll have to get me one of those. I'm sure Joi would appreciate it, too. They'd have to know how to make sushi, though. That's a major requirement. All in all, I have really enjoyed having George with us this week. I am thankful that he dropped everything to come out to help my wife and I am thankful for the breakfasts.

Newer, Better, Faster

I got a new laptop at work this week. What I do at UC Denver is very processor intensive, so I was given permission to choose my own laptop and load it with everything I thought I could use. So, I went for the Dell Latitude E6510 with the Quad Core vPro (i7) processor and 4 GB of RAM. I opted for Windows 7 and Office 2010. I got the built in webcam for video conferencing and the extended battery. Plus, I went with 500 GB of hard drive space. Also, I upgraded to Adobe Acrobat X Pro. It's a nice machine. I've spent most of this week moving my data onto the new machine and installing the programs that I use on a regular basis. While learning newer technology is always a challenge, it's been fun to find the new bells and whistles of this machine and explore the updated programs. So far, moving data and installing software has been pretty easy and within a couple of days the new laptop is ready for business. Now I just need to finish cleaning my info off of the old laptop and giving it up to the laptop pool where it will be reallocated to someone new or will be used for trainings or loaning out. I enjoy working at a place where they care about making sure you have the tools you need to perform the duties of your job. So far, this machine has been lightning fast in processing everything that I normally do. It makes my job that much easier and my day so much more efficient when I don't have to wait for an image to load, an application to open, or a report to run. I am thankful for this new tool and thankful to UC Denver and the Operations Department for allowing me to purchase it.

Facebook Killed the Blog

It's a sad day, but I have to announce that the blog is officially dead. Or it least it seems to be. Facebook is the culprit. It captures people in its time-consuming bells and whistles and keeps them captive through meaningless quick updates and farmville antics. Facebook is one of the greatest examples of the dumbing down of America. Blogs took thought. Blogs took decent writing ability and planning. Any idiot can type in "I'm spending time with my wonderful wife at McDonalds" on Facebook. But, the fact is, you are NOT spending time with your wonderful wife. You're spending time with your cell-phone or laptop and making stupid updates on Facebook that no one cares about. Regardless, I've noticed that Blogs are becoming less and less popular. In fact, of the 28 RSS blog feeds that I subscribe to, only about 5 of them update on a regular basis. Most of them haven't been updated in months or years. But, I keep them in my RSS feeds because I have a deep down hope that Facebook will lose it's luster and people will come back to the faithful blog. I've even noticed that people who used to read my blog don't bother anymore because I'm "not on Facebook" and it would be too much of an inconvenience to navigate the internet to my blog. I feel like I'm posting pictures, videos, and thoughts on my blog entirely in vain. I know that there are a handful of you who still read my blog, but I also know that many of my former readers have been taken captive by the Facebook infection. What's worse is that Facebook has become the only way to get real-time info about the people you love. What? So-in-so had a stroke? Or so-in-so had a baby? It has become so that you are not really connected to your family and friends if you don't have Facebook. It is a tragedy. I will probably continue to write my blog because whether or not I still have readers, it is therapeutic for me to write. I'm just sad that America has replaced the blog with Facebook.

Single Ladies (Put A Ring on It)

I'm not a big fan of the original song, but I do like several cover versions of the song. Enjoy these takes on the original.

A little bluegrass flavor by the Cleverly's.


I actually have this one on my iPod and enjoy listening to it. A very good cover by Pomplamoose.



Disturbing in every way, but very funny. Kudos to Joe Jonas for being so brave and having a self-depricating sense of humor.

Lakers...Slip Slidin' Away

I had high hopes for the Lakers as they began their Grammy's Road Trip. They won their first four games and had a redeeming victory against Boston during that stint. As they headed into the last three games of the trip, I felt like they were getting some good momentum before the All Star Break. However, their winning streak came to a skid when they faced Orlando. Okay, I'll give them this one, the Magic are a pretty good team. I can understand this loss. Then they dropped the next game to the Bobcats. The Bobcats are ninth in the Eastern Conference. They are not even playing .500 ball...but apparently there is a curse for the Lakers against the Bobcats because we haven't won a game against them since 2008. Seriously? Last night we played the Cleveland Cavaliers. They are dead last in the Eastern Conference. Literally, the worst team in the entire league. This would be an easy game, right? This is a no-brainer for the Lakers. They could send in their 3rd string and still give the Cavs a beating. But, no. The Lakers looked tired, uninterested, and complacent. Gasol and Fisher had good nights, but everyone else looked like they were somewhere else mentally. Despite a very late push to close the gap and hopefully win the game, they still lost by five points. This is a team that just recently broke their consecutive 26 game losing streak, tying the all time record for most consecutive losses in league history. This is not a team that the defending champs should be losing to. But, again, the Lakers feel like they can turn it on in the post-season and win it all. The last few years, I think I have written a blog like this around this same time...and the Lakers have managed to win it all the last two seasons. So, maybe their theory has merit. But, one of these days, it will come back to bite them. I hope that the last third of the season (after the All Star Break) will find the Lakers building momentum and finally regaining the "eye of the tiger" that I mentioned in an earlier blog. But, the Bobcats? The Cavs? Seriously? Come on!

Valentine's Day

I've never had a good relationship with Valentine's Day. I don't like to be told when to tell my significant other that I love her and I don't think that buying expense chocolates and flowers is the way to express that love. Yes, it's nice. But, I think that love is better expressed through sacrifice, giving, being there, listening, holding her when she cries, being her cheerleader, sticking it out through hard times, and supporting her in all of her endeavors. Flowers die and chocolate gets consumed, but sacrificial, unconditional love is forever.

Joi and I decided long ago that we would rather express our love all throughout the year than on one very expensive, commercial holiday. Once when we were dating, I bought her a single rose on Valentine's Day. It was $25. She said "Never do that again!" So, since that time, and to stick it to the man, we celebrate on the 15th when the chocolate is 75% off. Our tradition is to have a spaghetti dinner and watch a Laker game. I enjoy our version of Valentine's Day.

I love my wife very much. I'd buy her anything she wanted. But, I am thankful that she knows that true love is not necessarily expressed through gifts, but rather through the things that I do that shows her that I love her. My goal is to do better at doing those things that expresses that love to her.

Dishes, vacuuming, picking up, giving her the evening off, drawing her a bath, writing love notes on the bathroom mirror, massaging her shoulders without being asked, planning dates, going that extra mile, really listening, valuing her opinion, cooking dinner, keeping our eyes away from smut....Men, these are the things that are wife truly values. Let's do better throughout the year to give these invaluable gifts to our wives.

Garrison - Vids and Pics

I have been promising that I'd upload videos and pictures of Garrison playing basketball in the Junior Sports League and pictures of his birthday festivities. I decided to tackle both in one blog. Enjoy the vids and pics of Garrison's basketball adventures and his birthday fun!

Basketball


Birthday

Snow: Things You Don't Think About

I've lived in the snow long enough to realize that aside from the romanticism of snow, there are some funny/interesting/annoying things to consider about this gift of winter.

First, the "Silence of Snow". When it's snowing, it's eerily quiet. I like it. In fact, I enjoy going outside and just listening to the silence. It's calming and hypnotizing.

Second, the "Second Snow". As far as I know, my Dad coined this phrase. The second snow occurs after a good snow fall is over and the snow that is stuck to tree limbs starts to fall to the ground. If you couple that phenomenon with the occasional wind gusts that we have up here, it appears to be snowing all over again despite the blue skies overhead.

Third, driving lanes mean absolutely nothing. When you are driving to work after or during a major storm, don't worry about staying in your lane. In fact, you probably can't see the lanes anyway. The entire street is caked with white snow/ice and you can't see below that layer to find your lanes. Basically, you have to go by the tire marks of the person who drove in front of you. It's fun and a little bit scary. Three lane highways can become two or even one lane highways until the snow melts enough to see the lane stripes.

Fourth, parking lots become a free for all. Just like the issue described above, if you can't see the parking spot lines, you get to make up where you park. Some people are horrible judges of where the spots used to be and park all over the place. It's interesting to park in the morning after a snow storm and find your car later that day when some of the snow has melted to see if you actually made it into a spot or not. Most of the time, no one is even close.

Fifth, scarves are not just a fashion statement. In California, people wear scarves for the fashion of it. In Colorado, there is a function. Scarves keep those cold snow flakes from falling into your jacket and down your back. Scarves help when it's 8 degrees out (like this morning) and your face is a solid block of ice and the -20 wind chill is like hundreds of tiny razor blades being dragged across your face. Simply wrap that scarf around your face and voila....instant relief. Scarves rock! Also, they can act as a tourniquet, should the need arise.

Snow is beautiful and can be quite an adventure. These are just some of the observations that I've made while living in the snow. I still like it, though. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

80's Bluegrass

I thought I'd start your weekend off right with a video of two of my favorite music genres. 80's music and Bluegrass. There guys are hilarious. They do a pretty funny version of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl", too. Find them on Youtube. Pretty funny!

Garrison's Birthday

I can hardly believe that my oldest son Garrison is already 9 years old. It occurred to me that if he leaves our house when he is 18 years old, we will have already spent half of our time with him as a member of our household. It's crazy how time flies.

Here is how we spent the day celebrating Garrison. As per our family tradition, Garrison picked the events and meals of the day. When the boys woke up, Joi made them Cinnamon and Orange Rolls. Garrison decided that he wanted to open gifts throughout the day rather than all at once. So, we let him pick two gifts in the morning. He opened a new bathrobe and a hematite cross necklace. We took baths and showers and got ready to leave. We headed over to the mailbox store to mail a package to my Mom and our tax stuff to our accountant (this was not part of Garrison's plans). We headed up to Red Robin for lunch, upon Garrison's request. At Red Robin, we let him open two more gifts. This time he opened a new Leatherman Squirt S4 pocket knife and a lock box for his collection of knives. He was very excited about these gifts. After finishing our lunch, we stopped at Sam's Club to buy some bulk hamburger meat. On the way into the store, there was a man who was having a seizure/medical emergency. Someone ran up to me and asked if I had a cell phone to call 911. I called and stayed on the phone with the operator and gave directions to the people that were gathered around helping him. He had fallen and busted his head near the beginning of his seizure and was bleeding profusely from his head. Joi took the kids into Sam's Club and started shopping because they didn't need to see that. I stayed outside with the man until the ambulance came. Poor guy. He was really out of it and wasn't in good shape. Once the ambulance arrived and the paramedics started taking care of him, I joined my family inside. When we were done shopping, the ambulance was still in the parking lot, but everyone was in the back working on the gentleman. I don't know if that was a good sign or a bad sign. We left and went to the Ferris' house to grab Josiah and Dylan and they joined us for an outing at the Nature and Science Museum. We looked at the exhibits and watched a 3D IMAX movie about ocean life (narrated by Jim Carrey...which was weird). After the museum, we dropped the Ferris boys back at home and went back to our house to meet Uncle Dale for a birthday dinner and cake. Garrison wanted pigs in a blanket and macaroni and cheese. I made dinner while Joi split up the hamburger meat that we had bought. During dinner, Garrison opened his last gifts. Two rolls of orange duct tape and a box of  1000 popsicle sticks. Later on, we had some cake and ice cream and sang Happy Birthday to him. We watched American Idol and enjoyed the rest of the evening in the warm house. It was only a high of 8 degrees yesterday, so it was pretty chilly outside. Later that night we said goodbye to Uncle Dale and adjourned upstairs. I read "Lord Brocktree" from the Redwall series to the boys and then we kissed them goodnight. It was a good day. I'll post pictures once I've had a chance to download the camera. I still can't believe that my Garrison is nine years old. Where does the time go?

The Eyes Have It

It's cold out here. Probably the coldest it's been since we've lived in Colorado. Besides the normal indicators that it's stinkin' cold outside...like the weather service, my indoor/outdoor weather indicator (pictured here), and the news...there are a few other indicators of how severely cold it is. For instance, when I left work yesterday and was walking to the light rail station, it was snowing. I looked up at one point and a giant snowflake hit me directly in the eye. Rather than melt, it froze to my eyeball surface and completely covered my pupil, which made it hard to see. It took several minutes and lots of blinking to finally remove the frozen snowflake from my eyeball. It was a weird sensation. This morning when I was getting ready for work, I checked my indoor/outdoor temperature gauge and it said that it was -37 outside. I took a picture of it, so that everyone would believe me. I had trouble believing it myself. Until I went outside, that is. I was mostly toasty warm in my jacket, gloves, headphone earmuffs, and other cold weather gear. In fact, today was the first time since I've lived in Colorado that I actually wore thermals under my dress pants. But, it helped keep my legs much, much warmer. The areas that didn't fare well were my face and eyes. In fact, at one point as I was walking in to work this morning my eyes were watering due to the wind-chill and I blinked my eyes....and couldn't reopen them because they had frozen shut. I had to rub them with my scarf to get them to reopen. That was just plain wrong. But, I eventually made it to my office and went to the bathroom where there is a heated hand blower and I blew my face until it was thawed out. It's a comfortable 71 degrees in my office, but outside it's still -8 degrees. It might reach 1 degree today as a high according to the news. Might. Crazy cold!